Never Meant To Be Easy

As I was watching the guys play basketball, I couldn’t help but turn my back on them and look out for you. I guess, I just really want to see you and talk things out with you. I want to make things right. I know I said that I’m fine, and on the outside I’m really happy, but sometimes, I feel like I’m dying on the inside. If I can just explain things to you and make things right with you in person, I might feel a little better. 

Those memories I will never forget. Those memories I will always cherish and remember. Those memories are a nightmare but they are also the best memories that will last me a life time. As I think back, I miss all those wonderful times I spent fooling around with my friends and just trying to spend the most time I could with them as for it was our last year being together as one. As the year ended, summer rolled by and high school started. Ever since high school started, there wasn’t one day where I didn’t wish that I was back in grade 8. There wasn’t one day where I didn’t wish that I could relive those days. But, wishing won’t help. As each day continues to pass by, there isn’t going to be a day where I will stop thinking of that past year. 

I never realized this, but you never really changed. You were the same person that  I met years back. As the years passed, we drifted apart and I would talk to you occasionally, but you were different. High school came a long and we have one class together, we talked and laughed and it was like old times. I realized that you hadn’t changed, you were the same person I met years back and the amazing friend you are. I honestly have to say, I don’t know where I would be without you. I don’t know how to thank you for being my best friend. Words wouldn’t be enough. 

I realized that when you aren’t happy, I’m not happy either. I love making you smile and laugh. When I am able to do that, and you face is suddenly animated, I’m smiling as well because I know that you are happy. As long as you are happy, so am I. 

I dream one day I will become an amazing equestrian like Ian Millar. Competing for Canada in the olympics. This is my dream. It isn’t impossible to pursue. I just got to work hard and one day I will be on TV, sailing over jumps with a clear round and doing the best I can and being the best I can be. Its ok to dream big. 

Happy Valentines Day, my love. Today is the day of love. You were the one who opened my eyes and showed me the way through the doors to see the world. You got through to me the first time I set my eyes on you. You touched my heart and you broke down the walls I put up to keep everyone else out. I let my guard down, and I fell for you. You opened up my heart and taught me how to love again. I don’t know how more I can thank you for that. You are the greatest gift God has given to me besides my family. I hope you had a great valentines day, my love. 

Thank you Britney ! Thank you soo much ! Damn, you’re such a awesome friend. I can’t believe you sent a SINGING TELEGRAM to me ! LOOOOOOOOOOOL ! It was awkward, but it was sweet : ) I almost cried, cause I was that happy. Thank you for making my day. 

You beat me. Today, I planned that I would say ’ Happy Valentines Day ’ to you first, but you beat me there. You said it to me first. My face actually lit up like a little kid getting a bagful of candy. It meant a lot to me. You even but my name in the sentence and put a heart at the end of it. Thank you for making my day. :D

I now understand why I don’t like high school. I realized that I don’t belong in high school. Besides the fact that I don’t look like a grade 9 and the fact that I am a kid physically, and mentally, I just don’t belong there. I miss my best friends. I miss the atmosphere of the classroom. I miss elementary school. I miss grade 8. Everyone in my grade is different. Not the usual people I hang out with. They never laugh at my jokes. They don’t talk much. We have nothing in common. Everyone is just pretending to be someone else, so they are able to fit in. But, I can’t do that. I can’t just pretend to be someone else. I don’t want to fit in. I am different, and so is everyone else. But the mask of pretending who they are, is covering who they really are. I just simply don’t belong with them. I just simply don’t belong in high school. 

You isolate yourself away from everyone else. You only hang out with her. You have your guy friends, but you hardly hang with them when she is around. But she is leaving next year, what are you going to do then ? I know then, you will be missing her like crazy. I know I don’t know you, but I can see everything. 

Today, I realized, I can’t live my life being sad and trying to catch your attention and always thinking of the past and thinking about US. Today, I realized, in order for me to do good in school and survive through gr9 is to be happy and to not think what we were, what we could have been and what we will be. That doesn’t necessarily mean I will stop liking you, it just simply means I’m going to care less about US and focus just more on myself for now. I am going to focus on school, focus on my family and friends, focus on badminton and just trying to get my focus on something else other than you and I. Next year, whatever comes, I’ll take it. Whatever doesn’t, it really means we aren’t to be, so I will leave it. In order for me to live through the many years to come, I have to be happy. I realized that, today.